So when I do that thing where I spend a ton of time getting ready to do the thing that I'm supposed to do, I call this "sharpening my pencils." I get this expression from procrastinating studying - it's when I have to do the dishes, clean this place up, figure out what's happening for dinner, and check my email thirty times before I can POSSIBLY get around to what I am supposed to be doing (which was usually studying). Or any other obstacle - privacy, wrong equipment, too tired, whatever. A lot of time goes into not doing things that I want to do, and then when other people get home I can't possibly do anything after that, either, so I can basically make sure I never do anything at all, ever.
I think for the most part I do actually want to do the thing I am avoiding doing, but it's hard to maintain the thread of a pursuit in your mind sometimes. Once you drop the thread, it's very difficult to pick it back up. Like writing songs - it's really fun to play guitar when I've got something brewing, but when I have lost my train of thought it's just easier sometimes to avoid playing guitar for a month (setting aside all the other issues of lack of inspiration and finding oneself tedious and fear of failure etc etc etc). But then I don't play guitar for a month, and I really like to do that! What the hell? This is closely tied into habit. Habits are not procrastinated, at least not as much as other activities. Anyway I think of this preparation-based procrastination as a form of laziness; maybe in the Buddha sense this would qualify as the "laziness of distraction," which is when we put off the work of following our spiritual path by diverting energy to other, less substantive things. But I think this laziness can be overcome - it's a problem of momentum, and usually it doesn't go any deeper than that.
Sometimes, though, I wonder if I make myself so very busy NOT actually doing something because, in fact, I don't want to do it - that maybe it's not that I'm lazy, or tired, or whatever, but really that I am living a total lie trying to do something or be someone that I just clearly am not, and I am too foggy of brain to understand. Too caught up in what I think I "should" be doing and not close enough to what I really aspire to.
I'll use the example of wanting to be a rock star, which I completely cop to having wanted at one time - and come one, everyone should "want" to be a rock star, right? But clearly not everyone wants to be a rock star, because not everyone is trying to be a rock star, and that's great. So then what if you believe that you want to be a rock star, but you still don't try to do it? Misery! Everyone on earth does this - maybe you want a blender super bad but never take any steps to getting it, or want to exercise and never take any steps toward doing that, or even more painful, procrastinate exercising by shopping for sneakers or choosing the right gym. My friend refers to this as the "have been" desire - this is when you just want to have been a rock star, or have already become a super exercisey person. It would be neat to be sitting in the future looking back on all the shows and fame and money and coolness, but the truth is you don't want to do any of the things involved in becoming a rock star. I can sometimes figure out if I really want something, or if I just want to have already done something, by imagining this kind of pretend future. Do I want to play guitar, make records, play shows, court fans, and tour in a van to be rock star? Hell no. Absolutely not. Would it be awesome for my sense of identity and accomplishment and vanity to have been a rock star with all those experiences behind me? Yes, absolutely yes. So now I can separate the vanity/dream stuff about being a rock star (totally existent) from my actual aspiration to be a rock star (non-existent).
It's hard to shed these ideas of ourselves, these "I should want this" and "have been" kind of ambitions, especially when they seem like such worthy aspirations. Who can argue that wanting your music to reach millions and getting to play guitar all day would be awesome? It's not debatable. It's unequivocally rad. When you hold on to an ambition in spite of the reality that you actually like just sort of tinkering on the guitar, and mostly just like to walk the dog and make dinner, and you just plain old don't try to be a rock star in anyway, then you are in the horrible position of failing yourself.
Failure! You are supposed to want this thing! Why aren't you trying? Bleh. It's hard to know when you have stopped trying because you can at last admit that you don't want to do something anymore - or if you have just stopped trying because you are lazy, insecure, and depressed. And hell, it's embarrassing to abandon dreams, too, because then your friends and family might say "what happened to that," or maybe you think people will be rolling their eyes in an "I knew she could never do it" kind of way. So there's ego involved in shedding our supposed dreams and genuine aspirations - and maybe procrastination is a way of holding on to our supposed dreams while not having to work towards them; it may even provide a little bit of an out for yourself to be thwarted in your efforts all time by the insurmountable obstacles you throw in your own way. Then it's not failure, it's fate, and you can be blameless. Convenient!
Long story short sometimes I avoid doing things I want to do because I am lazy and lame, and sometimes I avoid doing this I want to do because I don't actually want to do them. And frequently it's hard to know which thing I am experiencing.
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