Dear Bloggy Confessional Public Journal: still struggling with my repulsion/attraction to tv and booze. My no-tv rule has been pretty well busted lately ("oh I can just watch a little, besides, all the fun premieres are happening and I neeeeeed to see what is happening!" - this doesn't work. A little tv always turns into four hours), and I had a little too much to drink yesterday for no reason. There was no AC/DC show to have 35 beers with yesterday, just nothingness.
So back to the hard/fast rule idea - I think I shouldn't let myself watch tv in general of course (not that I am so great at that), but also just not watch tv or have wine when I'm alone. But the two things go together so nicely, and particularly when I'm alone! Boooo. But the reason they go together so nicely is because it's impossible to do anything remotely useful after having had a drink, so tv is pretty much it. Well, or a walk I guess. Some people have a glass of wine and read a book, what?! Not so much for me, no way. Anyway, the role that tv and alcohol play in my life is primarily a balm for my solitude. I actually get kind of psyched when no one is around, because I look forward to sliding into my bubble bath of vacuous sloth with no one there to witness my shame. Gross. I judge and hate myself for it but I just want to do it.
Why? Habit? That reminds me of a useful thing from Buddhism, which is confronting our relationship with the things that we don't want to do but do anyway. I completely forget most of the smart things the Buddha center guy said about it, but I remember some stuff I've heard before about stopping your own upsetting behavior. I'm supposed to think about the feeling that precedes engaging in the behavior that I don't like (just like any binge-er). I'm definitely using tv and wine to stop having to feel a certain way - and I think that it's usually that my mind is tired, or can't think of anything to do, or feels bored or lonely. But I must have other activities that fill in the hole where tv watching tends to sit - I mean, here's something I haven't done in over a week: read one page of one book. What the hell? I have books, a bunch of them, all right near me or near the bed that I completely want to read, why aren't I reading them? I don't know. Clearly I don't "want" to read them or I would be. But that's a little crazy, right, since I do want to read them, don't I? I think it's more like I do want to read them, but my state of mind is too agitated for me to enter into the mental state of Reading a Book. There's a transition to be made into a zone. I think what happens when I disregard enjoyable, positive, activities in favor of crappy ones is that I have pushed myself out of that particular zone and lost touch with how it feels to enjoy it, and then I just forget about it as a positive option for myself. And then the habit of tv and a glass of wine just floats into my head and I give myself "exception" permission for "just today" to indulge my unhappiness-provoking habits. I have gotten so used to using certain negative coping mechanisms that I forget about good ones.
I'm definitely trying to inject positive habits into my life, and for sure, for the most part it's been going great. Sort of a two forward, one back situation. I hate the back sliding though, it's discouraging. Makes me feel weak and pathetic. But I can't let self-loathing operate as my main motivator for change, no no no. That's horrible. It's like creating conditional love for yourself. I think it's better to love oneself unconditionally. Sounds better for the soul. I just have to stay clear-headed in the face of temptation and agitation and make deliberate choices in favor of my happiness. Why oh why is that so hard? Why? A little guidepost rule, like no tv/booze alone, is helpful for me - I'll be alone again in the evening very soon of course, and attending to this tiny rule, as opposed to attending to the huge and unmanageable and highly conceptual goal of My Happiness, helps make it manageable. Bleh, bootstraps be pulled. Resolve be hardened. Engage love of self. Throttle resolve.
Showing posts with label side B. Show all posts
Showing posts with label side B. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Monday, September 27, 2010
First Class Weekend
And it was both first-class and the first class in the yoga teacher training undertaking. AS WELL AS the weekend of my AC/DC cover band's big show, so man oh man, talk about trying to be a fun-lovin' social-times haver as well as a student of physical and spiritual discipline!
So teacher training was great. I had a bunch of hesitations about how this was going to go, based on my usual eye-roller type of approach to corny stuff. I mean, when I think of who would be doing the training, I definitely picture corny people with herbs and bells and hugs and stuff. But I am doing it, and I like herbs and bells and hugs and I don't really think of myself as corny, so the first order of business to was confront my judgment against Corniness. The teacher asked us to set an intention for the experience to return to in our minds throughout the next six months, and I decided that mine is to think to myself that I am open to this experience. See, that sounds corny, but I am totally open to that. And it wasn't that corny and neither were the people, really, so there's that. I think I actually am much Cornier than I think I am, and I am totally open to that too. Boom.
The other hesitations were related to the curriculum and the books - there aren't a ton of books in this experience, and just one anatomy book, and the classes this weekend didn't have a touchstone text associated with the learning. I like a reference text to study, and maybe that's coming but maybe not. So I was running into my expectations about what is a credible experience, and I think because I went to law school my opinion about what is legitimate learning is probably way cranked up, like if it's not basically impossible to keep up with what's happening even if you study 24/7, then you're not really doing anything. It's such a puritanical boot-camp kind of mentality. But so far this is a completely different kind of learning, since I really did learn a lot, and again, yes, totally open to that. I actually thought of that when I felt myself feeling disappointed that I probably wouldn't have to memorize the skeletal system and point out bones on a dummy in order to pass the class. I am good at memorizing and this disappointment is probably vanity-related. And I can absolutely do that myself if it increases my own sense of credibility anyway.
What we did do was some ice-breaker stuff, which was nice - 10 women and 1 man I think! Yoga is frequently a chick sport. And then we spent the first day dissecting and critiquing everyone's expressions of two poses. We had to talk each other into the poses and learn some gentle assists to demonstrate alignment for each other, and man is that harder than it sounds. The articulating of how to move one's body is really difficult, and the impulse to over-talk is overwhelming. I just wanted to keep talking, saying things like, "okay, now move your foot - the right foot - wait, I mean front foot - more over to the left, and then think of lifting up - up in the legs, but more over with the torso, but also over, I mean up" - blah blah blah so yeah it's hard to be brief and clear and helpful when speaking, so I will be practicing that on any friends who will let me.
And the learning about the alignment of the poses was good too, and I'm sort of excited to work like crazy on the handful of poses we did this weekend with my new, teacherly insights. Can't wait for the next teacher weekend! Go Team Corny!
So on to the AC/DC show. Yes, Saturday night, after much anticipation, my law school dude buddies and I rocked the be-dickens out of a tiny night club in Albany, NY. I love being in the AC/DC cover band, and I think it's because even though I think of rock and roll and beers and hanging out as being the activities of my "other self," I actually have to really tap into my most disciplined and attentive self to make it work. Because the thing is, I am not actually super great at playing the guitar, and I have to practice and practice and practice and straight up memorize the things that I see other musicians just intuitively understanding (which may be a function of their having practiced like hell to be good, but it always seems like magic to me). This is because even though I have been playing guitar a long time, I never really liked to practice playing guitar that much. I always just strummed and hummed and figured it out without thinking too hard about what was happening, and that was always fine. But to truly rock super hard and super loud and super fun is pretty difficult - and it's because the payoff of rocking out is so exciting in my mind that I can be pretty dedicated to practicing my AC/DC songs. Also I don't want to let down my band mate friends, that would be horrible. Anyway the release available in the moment of the show is most rewarding when I've practiced to the point that I don't have to worry about my hands doing the right thing, I can just go for it, and everyone plays together and can listen to each other without having to worry about getting it right, but just letting it happen. Good stuff.
Time and again in my life I find that discipline is always the gateway to freedom. Learning the dance moves so you can flail with abandon. Getting in shape so you can hike to the more beautiful view. Learning the chords so you can just play and have fun. I think I know this somewhere inside me about yoga and the spiritual stuff, too - I know that somewhere on the other side of the breathing and the poses and the meditation is unlimited abandon and freedom (corny meter off the charts with that). It just takes a lot of practice and focus to experience that abandon, and I know the kernel of desire for that payoff is in me, I just need to embrace the Corniness and all that stuff and let that kernel grow as big as my desire to rock out.
Hoorah, continuity! Totally just threaded yoga and AC/DC together for myself.
So teacher training was great. I had a bunch of hesitations about how this was going to go, based on my usual eye-roller type of approach to corny stuff. I mean, when I think of who would be doing the training, I definitely picture corny people with herbs and bells and hugs and stuff. But I am doing it, and I like herbs and bells and hugs and I don't really think of myself as corny, so the first order of business to was confront my judgment against Corniness. The teacher asked us to set an intention for the experience to return to in our minds throughout the next six months, and I decided that mine is to think to myself that I am open to this experience. See, that sounds corny, but I am totally open to that. And it wasn't that corny and neither were the people, really, so there's that. I think I actually am much Cornier than I think I am, and I am totally open to that too. Boom.
The other hesitations were related to the curriculum and the books - there aren't a ton of books in this experience, and just one anatomy book, and the classes this weekend didn't have a touchstone text associated with the learning. I like a reference text to study, and maybe that's coming but maybe not. So I was running into my expectations about what is a credible experience, and I think because I went to law school my opinion about what is legitimate learning is probably way cranked up, like if it's not basically impossible to keep up with what's happening even if you study 24/7, then you're not really doing anything. It's such a puritanical boot-camp kind of mentality. But so far this is a completely different kind of learning, since I really did learn a lot, and again, yes, totally open to that. I actually thought of that when I felt myself feeling disappointed that I probably wouldn't have to memorize the skeletal system and point out bones on a dummy in order to pass the class. I am good at memorizing and this disappointment is probably vanity-related. And I can absolutely do that myself if it increases my own sense of credibility anyway.
What we did do was some ice-breaker stuff, which was nice - 10 women and 1 man I think! Yoga is frequently a chick sport. And then we spent the first day dissecting and critiquing everyone's expressions of two poses. We had to talk each other into the poses and learn some gentle assists to demonstrate alignment for each other, and man is that harder than it sounds. The articulating of how to move one's body is really difficult, and the impulse to over-talk is overwhelming. I just wanted to keep talking, saying things like, "okay, now move your foot - the right foot - wait, I mean front foot - more over to the left, and then think of lifting up - up in the legs, but more over with the torso, but also over, I mean up" - blah blah blah so yeah it's hard to be brief and clear and helpful when speaking, so I will be practicing that on any friends who will let me.
And the learning about the alignment of the poses was good too, and I'm sort of excited to work like crazy on the handful of poses we did this weekend with my new, teacherly insights. Can't wait for the next teacher weekend! Go Team Corny!
So on to the AC/DC show. Yes, Saturday night, after much anticipation, my law school dude buddies and I rocked the be-dickens out of a tiny night club in Albany, NY. I love being in the AC/DC cover band, and I think it's because even though I think of rock and roll and beers and hanging out as being the activities of my "other self," I actually have to really tap into my most disciplined and attentive self to make it work. Because the thing is, I am not actually super great at playing the guitar, and I have to practice and practice and practice and straight up memorize the things that I see other musicians just intuitively understanding (which may be a function of their having practiced like hell to be good, but it always seems like magic to me). This is because even though I have been playing guitar a long time, I never really liked to practice playing guitar that much. I always just strummed and hummed and figured it out without thinking too hard about what was happening, and that was always fine. But to truly rock super hard and super loud and super fun is pretty difficult - and it's because the payoff of rocking out is so exciting in my mind that I can be pretty dedicated to practicing my AC/DC songs. Also I don't want to let down my band mate friends, that would be horrible. Anyway the release available in the moment of the show is most rewarding when I've practiced to the point that I don't have to worry about my hands doing the right thing, I can just go for it, and everyone plays together and can listen to each other without having to worry about getting it right, but just letting it happen. Good stuff.
Time and again in my life I find that discipline is always the gateway to freedom. Learning the dance moves so you can flail with abandon. Getting in shape so you can hike to the more beautiful view. Learning the chords so you can just play and have fun. I think I know this somewhere inside me about yoga and the spiritual stuff, too - I know that somewhere on the other side of the breathing and the poses and the meditation is unlimited abandon and freedom (corny meter off the charts with that). It just takes a lot of practice and focus to experience that abandon, and I know the kernel of desire for that payoff is in me, I just need to embrace the Corniness and all that stuff and let that kernel grow as big as my desire to rock out.
Hoorah, continuity! Totally just threaded yoga and AC/DC together for myself.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Regimen Lapse and Brain Prison
So I'm into week three, I believe, of Operation Self 2010: Yoga. I missed two more days of yoga-doing, which would be yesterday (Monday) and the Friday before. This is fine. I don't view this as failure yet, mostly because on Friday and Monday I was super duper sleepy or had friends over and I am okay making room for "imperfection" in my mission.
Here's some justification from my head: Besides, in my happiness criteria, sleep is an element of health, and relationships are their own criteria, so if I had to somehow stratify my requirements for happiness, then sleep and friends would at least be par with doing yoga, if not above. But I have not stratified my requirements for happiness, because each aspect is part of the delicate soupy broth that sometimes just needs more seasoning than other times. Really, to get everything perfect everyday, fitting in spirituality, the just-right physical feeling of health, putting effort into my relationships, and accomplishing meaningful work, would be impossible. I just can't do everything right everyday.
So this is the teetering atop the axis of my selves: on one side (side A), the disciplined, focused gal who mindfully eschews temptations, forgoing immediate, darker pleasures for the sake of her own future wellness; on the other side (side B), a reckless imbiber yelling gossip over the band and sleeping off a hangover in front of the tv. I am both these things, feeling at once both entitled to be reckless and yet sure that discipline is the only way to save my soul. Somewhere between side A and side B I think I should be able to pursue discipline and indulge recklessness. And, I am truly, truly, sorry to get all eat-pray-barf about it, but what is the expression of this balance?
For example, this weekend was all about side B. Saw bands, hung out with friends, drank a bunch, had a big dumb tv hangover, ate nothing but toast with butter all day. And I am not giving myself too hard a time about it, since I feel like having fun and partying it up is part of integrating myself in my community and permits departure from the Operation and actually helps fulfill the relationships thing, which is important to me, so whatever. Can't just stay home being "happy" all the time. And then Monday was all about recovery, and seeing some more friends, and getting back on the sleep train and getting all ready to get back on track. So then to get all the way back on track, today I am up fairly early, and have a hike planned, and found a yoga class to go to, and totally plan to practice my guitar playing, so I feel like this will "balance" out my bloated, imperfect weekend efforts. Fine.
But here's the problem for me at the moment - with this effort to recover from the weekend, am I being attendant to my delicate happiness soup? Or have I, with my regimen vision, only devised a new compulsion to stress myself out with? I mean, I'm happy that I am okay with the "imperfection" in the Operation. I think this is healthy. But being permissive with myself in this way feels like such a slippery slope, and sometimes I slide all the way down that slope, no problem. And I mean, there is no doubt that if I let today slide over to side B, I would feel bad. Not just bad as in physically sluggish and tired etc, but guilty. Guilty about failing to maximize my day, like a failure for losing the chance to take whatever invisible step forward with myself that only I can understand. As my friend recently pointed out to me so brilliantly, some people can make a prison out of anything. Even free time and finding happiness.
Here's some justification from my head: Besides, in my happiness criteria, sleep is an element of health, and relationships are their own criteria, so if I had to somehow stratify my requirements for happiness, then sleep and friends would at least be par with doing yoga, if not above. But I have not stratified my requirements for happiness, because each aspect is part of the delicate soupy broth that sometimes just needs more seasoning than other times. Really, to get everything perfect everyday, fitting in spirituality, the just-right physical feeling of health, putting effort into my relationships, and accomplishing meaningful work, would be impossible. I just can't do everything right everyday.
So this is the teetering atop the axis of my selves: on one side (side A), the disciplined, focused gal who mindfully eschews temptations, forgoing immediate, darker pleasures for the sake of her own future wellness; on the other side (side B), a reckless imbiber yelling gossip over the band and sleeping off a hangover in front of the tv. I am both these things, feeling at once both entitled to be reckless and yet sure that discipline is the only way to save my soul. Somewhere between side A and side B I think I should be able to pursue discipline and indulge recklessness. And, I am truly, truly, sorry to get all eat-pray-barf about it, but what is the expression of this balance?
For example, this weekend was all about side B. Saw bands, hung out with friends, drank a bunch, had a big dumb tv hangover, ate nothing but toast with butter all day. And I am not giving myself too hard a time about it, since I feel like having fun and partying it up is part of integrating myself in my community and permits departure from the Operation and actually helps fulfill the relationships thing, which is important to me, so whatever. Can't just stay home being "happy" all the time. And then Monday was all about recovery, and seeing some more friends, and getting back on the sleep train and getting all ready to get back on track. So then to get all the way back on track, today I am up fairly early, and have a hike planned, and found a yoga class to go to, and totally plan to practice my guitar playing, so I feel like this will "balance" out my bloated, imperfect weekend efforts. Fine.
But here's the problem for me at the moment - with this effort to recover from the weekend, am I being attendant to my delicate happiness soup? Or have I, with my regimen vision, only devised a new compulsion to stress myself out with? I mean, I'm happy that I am okay with the "imperfection" in the Operation. I think this is healthy. But being permissive with myself in this way feels like such a slippery slope, and sometimes I slide all the way down that slope, no problem. And I mean, there is no doubt that if I let today slide over to side B, I would feel bad. Not just bad as in physically sluggish and tired etc, but guilty. Guilty about failing to maximize my day, like a failure for losing the chance to take whatever invisible step forward with myself that only I can understand. As my friend recently pointed out to me so brilliantly, some people can make a prison out of anything. Even free time and finding happiness.
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